I am a very tall girl, brown-skinned, big and chubby. I am the tallest girl in my family and has always been the tallest in my class. I even bit the boys. I never actually liked my height. I was so mad at myself, my parents and God for making me be so tall. I was sick of people constantly telling me that I'm too tall and would match a giant. At the age of 13, I started looking up websites, books and magazines to find ways to make myself shorter. I hated the fact that I was tall. I never appreciated myself.
As I grew older and taller, I realised that I can't do anything about my height and that there is no way to make myself shorter except by just growing old and shrinking. From then on, I accepted the fact that I was tall but never really did love myself. People never stop commenting about my height until one day someone came up to me and told me that my height is beautiful and that I could be a model. I was at the age of 15. I was still very much immersed in being a kid. I was innocent and couldn't have cared less about looking pretty. I wasn't interested in growing up quickly. I'll be the first to admit that I was not much to look at. I'm just a kiddy little girl who was still worried about her penguin in the game 'Club Penguin'.
During my teenage years in high school, my facial skin was perfect. I never had pimples until I was 16. A lot of my friends teased me because I didn't have any. Most of my friends had pimples popping out of their face at the age of 13 and 14. It was as if having a pimple was a cool thing and a grown-up thing. This will sound weird but I badly wanted a pimple at that time just to prove that I was a grown up too. Among the list in my checklist, having a pimple was one of them. At the age of 16, when I got my first pimple, I was so excited and I went around telling people that I actually have a pimple for the first time! By then, everyone thought that I was being so lame about having a pimple. It was really hard for me because the rules kept changing. Pimples were cool at one point and then 3 years later it wasn't cool anymore.
Growing up as a teenager, I wanted so many things. I wanted to be shorter, be a model, have pimples, get good grades, have friends and popularity. I had a checklist hidden somewhere in my mind and that list never stopped. It kept on going. At the age of 18, slightly after SPM, I questioned my identity and my worth. I was tired of being someone I'm not. I asked myself if will I ever be that girl who has it all and will I ever be content with who I am. When will I be good enough? I did a lot of reflections and soul-searching on myself.
I realised that those things that I listed were not who I want to be. Models are not the definition of beauty. I realised that all I wanted was to have the joy, content and completeness within my soul. Deep down I started to know that I was loved by my Creator. I found my self-worth. I started considering God's purpose and plan for my life. I was fulfilled and content from the day I turned my focus point on God's love instead of the constant pressure from the world to look and be amazing.
People will always comment on your looks, your career, your love life, your studies and your life but you need to stand strong and guard your heart against negativity and discouragement. Stop allowing people to define you by telling you what to do and who to be but start looking at the Creator's point of view and you will be able to see how wonderful and beautiful you are as a woman. Stop looking at human's standards and start looking at God's standards.
Money. Power. Fame. Beauty. The list keeps on going. It won't stop if you don't make it stop. Change your mindset and start loving yourself as to how God loves you. You don't need someone to tell you that you're beautiful because you already know that you are beautiful. People will keep on having expectations on you but just be you and live original. Don't live for the applause of this world but live for the applause of the Creator.